Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
