WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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