So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
