hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
