Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
