You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
