Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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