I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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