you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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