I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
