i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
