hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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