i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
