My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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