so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
