my phone needs a breathalizer
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
