First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
