rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
