Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
