I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Bring me that man meat
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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