even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
