Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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