In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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