Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize