break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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