I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
