his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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