Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
