can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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