dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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