Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
