my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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