As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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