if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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