dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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