please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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