The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
