She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.