I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need a beard to bite.