I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
