Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
