the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
