if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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