I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
