Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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