i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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