He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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