heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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