Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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