I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
