I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
