she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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